Toledo Tales

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Left: Burbank hopelessly searching the DSM-IV for a teen’s obscure sexual perversion

(Toledo, OH) For most Americans, it is a sad irony indeed that the annual holiday season spanning November through January sees a sharp rise in depression, feelings of loneliness, and suicide which result from the increased focus on spirituality and self-inventory.

However, this is not the case for Toledo psychologist Dr. Diana Burbank, whose entire livelihood is rooted in the emotional suffering of others, and who longingly anticipates the flurry of new patients that come this time of year.

“Let me tell you, Thanksgiving can’t come fast enough,” remarked Burbank while erasing another canceled appointment from her schedule book. “This time of year, it’s all autumn leaves, people playing tennis in long sleeve t-shirts—all that bullshit. But come Turkey Day, every fatty and anorexic bitch for miles will line up here to get their sob on.”

Burbank seemed especially energized since this year’s rise in business may have a positive impact on her personal finances as well as her domestic life.

“My daughter Alexie is turning 16 in February, so I hope to work some extra referrals to lease her one of those new Lexus ES 350s,” Burbank explained. “And it’s only fitting—the whiny brat was conceived in the back of an LS400, so maybe if she has her own car, she’ll stop fucking that Puerto Rican kid in my bed and go parking somewhere. She thinks I can’t tell when she’s washed the sheets, but I can. God, what a ditz.”