Toledo Tales

Left: A frustrated Douglas stratergizes

(Toledo, OH) Local resident Ken Douglas said that he is "reviewing strategy" in his yard after his efforts have failed to halt spiralling atacks from insurgent leaves and sectarian branches.

Asked by Toledo Tales reporters whether he agreed with the statement that the current situation in his yard was "the jihadist equivalent of the Tet offensive", Douglas thought for a moment before replying.

"That could be right," he said, shaking his head and looking at the wind-blow debris in his yard. "There’s certainly a stepped up level of leafy activity, and we’re heading into an election."

Douglas said that he believes the trees are banking on a decrease in his family's "will to rake."

"My gut tells me that they have all along been trying to inflict enough damage that we’d leave," he said. "And the leaves have made that very clear. They just keep coming and coming - there's no end to them."

Left: Suspected insurgent leaf training camp

Douglas, however, vowed that he and his family "will never cut and run."

"Look, here’s how I view it. They are dangerous. They are lethal. They are trying to not only cover the gound, but they’re also trying to clog the gutters," he said, pointing to his house. "They believe that if they can create enough chaos, we will grow sick and tired of their efforts and give up."

Douglas' wife Toni denied reports that her husband has conceded the fight against the "leaf menace."

"We do not think there has been a flip-over point in the backyard," she said, grabbing a rake. "We are going to continue pursuing victory aggressively."