Toledo Tales

By Toledo Tales contributor Feckless Freddie

Left: "Piper," a local dope man

(Toledo, OH) Piper, a local pharmaceuticals rep, said that he and his sales associates are in the midst of a "totally massive" holiday clearance sale.

"Listen up - you can save 40% off this low-grade homegrown bud that's been laying around my place for a couple of months," he said, holding up several ounces of weed. "Tastes like hell, but the THC content is just as good as any imported Northern Lights or Jamaican Red."

Piper said that his firm also has seasonal specials on pills, heroin, and cocaine.

"Smack, weed, or speed - we got what you need!" he said, using his crew's motto. "Our merchandise is priced to move, baby, and our dealers are authorized to take any reasonable offer: food stamps, sex, and used cars are always welcome in lieu of cash."

Be sure to stock up on smack for the holiday rush

Changes in the local supplier network, said Piper, have flooded the local drug market with excess merchandise.

"Face it - a dealer may be downsizing, moving facilities, or just need to reduce his inventory for any number of reasons," he said. "He's willing to sell products for less than cost to get a quick sale, like if his girlfriend needs an abortion, or if he owes his bookie ten grand. We purchase these products and pass the savings on to you."

Piper said that in the dope business, customer service is the key to success.

"You want it? We've got it! In order to provide the most hassle-free dope experience, we are constantly working with our suppliers to add new products so you have plenty of options from which to choose," he said. "Bottom line - you are the reason we are here. Call us!"