Toledo Tales

Left: $145 a night, but Mendelsohn is still a twit

(Toledo, OH) Larry Mendelsohn spent most of his high school years being the butt of many cruel jokes, and never once succeeded in getting a date with a girl who was not the daughter of one of his mom's friends.

"I was pretty much your basic loser," he admitted to Toledo Tales reporters. "So I wanted to make an impression at my 20-year class reunion."

To accomplish this lofty goal Mendelsohn rented a Lexus GS luxury sport sedan, complete with a 4.3-litre V8 engine, leather seats, and built-in GPS.

"This car has, like, everything - even the new adaptive variable suspension that allows you to fine-tune suspension damping with four settings ranging from normal-mode for everyday driving to a sport-mode for a tighter, more precise feel," he said, showing off the settings to reporters. "And check this out - it's got Adaptive Front lighting System (AFS), which helps illuminate a turn or curve when you steer into it. Cool!"

Left: Still geeky after all these years

Mendelsohn, who is an assistant manager in appliances at Best Buy, said that his plan fell awry moments after arriving at the reunion.

"Pretty basically, they picked up right where they left off in 1986, with me getting shit on all night," he mused. "I kept dropping hints to get people to look at my car, but no one would go out to the parking lot."

Mendelsohn added that he took many "extra steps" to bring attention to his Lexus, but no one seemed to care.

"Yeah - I tried the old "leaving-the-key-ring-out" trick, and the "oops-I-dropped-my-key-ring" trick, but nothing worked," he said. "The babes can't get magnetized if they don't see the fucking car, right? I couldn't even get the chick at the 24-hour gas station to give me a second look, and I'm pretty goddamned sure she was a tranny. Screw it."