.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

12/24/2006

Opinion: Nothing Says "Holidays" Like Picking Up a Crack Whore

Guest editorial by Marty Phelps, holiday consultant

Some people know it's Christmas when they hear the carols on the radio, while for other people it's mistletoe and all those hokey decorations.

Still others like a nice blanket of snow on the ground to announce the beginning of the holiday season.

But for me, nothing kicks off the holidays like picking up a crack whore.

Not just any crack whore, mind you. It's got to be one of those really emaciated, down-on-her-luck types that walk along Jefferson Avenue on a Sunday morning looking like a strung-out skeleton, one of those sick freaky types that make you shudder but at the same time give you that weird kind of spontaneous dirt-lust.

crack+whore Left: Sw-e-e-e-et!

Then driving her into an alley some place outside of downtown and doing the dirty right out in public, my bare ass bouncing up and down in the back of my PT Cruiser while she tries to call her dealer to spend the $20 she just made.

The best part about my holiday crack whore ritual is going to Midnight Mass with that smirk on my face, everyone thinking I'm just in the holiday spirit. Little do they know that I'm smiling as I think about what a wild-ass start to the holiday season I just had, and that I didn't even take a shower before loading the family off to church, just wallowing in my nastiness.

Yes, some people like their egg nog and Bailey's Irish Cream, but me? I like starting off the season having illicit sex with a crack whore.

And don't even ask what I do for New Year's. That's a level of "crazy" that you're probably not ready to hear about from the Marty-man.

Labels: ,


Comments:
"Dirt-lust" - heh heh heh!
 
bravo bravo!!!
 
Ahhh a man after my own heart. The more broken the more pathetic the more apathetic, the skinniest twitching tweaking twistinf strung out whore the better...we search for hours for the lowest...i love the blank look of discust...just a trick,,,mmmm more more stories
 
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home
Copyright 2007, Toledo Tales ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Toledo Tales ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Toledo Tales ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Toledo Tales ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?