Toledo Tales

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Bickens shuffles one step closer to death

(Toledo, OH) West Toledo native Esther Bickens, 73, has long been regarded by neighbors to be a stodgy, maternal figure in their sleepy part of town, and despite her curt, sour demeanor, has remained a mainstay of local color for countless years.

However, when this year’s holiday season came and went without a single visit from her oft-mentioned “no-good out of state relatives,” most came to the conclusion that Bickens is just a nasty old bitch, and quite far indeed from being a cantankerous grandmother who is merely set in her colorful ways.

“We moved next door back in ’97, and she’s never once waved to me in ten whole years,” remarked Stan Monk, 41, a civic engineer who lives next to the Commonwealth Avenue woman. “I’ve let it slide though, thinking she was a war widow or some shit. But this year I made sure to see if anybody came to visit at Christmas. Damned if that old bitty didn’t stay indoors the whole week with her nineteen cats.”

Other locals echoed Monk’s claim.

“Yeah, I’ve helped carry her groceries once or twice, but she’s never tipped or anything,” stated John Mayhew, 15, while idly spinning a Nerf football. “My mom said to be nice, since she’s probably had a hard life and her kids are all grown, but all the pictures in her house are of cats—not a single Sears portrait anywhere. And dude, that joint reeks. It smelled like a Sasquatch crapped bean burritos on her carpet or something.”

God only knows what the whack bitch is up to in there

Still, others in the community felt a heightened degree of empathy upon hearing that Bickens had voyaged through life without love or human companionship.

“Man, what a rough way to go out,” reflected Rita Cody, a stay-at-home mother. “It’s one thing to be the neighborhood ‘cat lady,’ but when she dies, the only way we’ll know is because of the smell. Or her mail piling up. She gets a lot of magazines on knitting, so that should tip us off when they start mounting on her porch.”

Labels: feisty neighbor, granny, old woman