Toledo Tales

Left: Flippy and the Wilmingtons in happier days

(Toledo, OH) The Knapp Street Wilmington family finds itself in the middle of an "immigration nightmare" that threatens the stability of the East Toledo home.

Due to recent incontinence issues, Flippy the dog was permanently relocated to exterior quarters, said immigration authority John Wilmington. Unfortunately, the Wilmington children routinely "flout" family immigration laws by bringing the dog back in the house.

"We should not be deluded by all the harping about “free trade,” or see this as the triumph of capitalism over socialism," sais the elder Wilmington. "These apologists for illegal immigrants - also known as our kids - like to paint it as a victimless crime. But in fact, illegal immigration causes significant harm to American citizens and legal immigrants, particularly those in the most vulnerable segments of our population--the poor, the minorities, and the living room rug."

Family member Jeremy Wilmington said that his father actually "encouraged" the illegal immigration problem.

"Flippy came back because of the low-paying work the rest of us won't do, like eating crumbs on the floor and licking the bowls clean," he noted. "Flippy is only acting in response to the age-old paradigm of supply and demand. Besides, he's really a good boy."

Assistant immigration director Barb Wilmington expressed regret, but said the agency had no other options, given Flippy's propensity to urinate in the house.

"Look, Flippy knew what the residency conditions were, and he chose not to follow them," she said. "We had no choice but to deport him."

Flippy: a victim of unfortunate relocation?

The Wilmington children all believe that the illegal immigration situation would evaporate if conditions improved in Flippy's outdoor quarters, which were alternately described as "icky," "stinky," and "Dad should have to live there for a week."

"It's really, really cold out in Flippy's doghouse, and his doggie feet get frozen. Flippy told me so," said Ashley, hugging the chocolate Labrador. "He only wants to come inside because he's freezing his little doggie butt off outside, right, pookie-wookums?"

Labels: chocolate Labs, immigrants, immigration