.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

1/10/2007

Local Priest Secretly Wishes He Could Menstruate

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

O’Brien: Big, bald, but not bloody

(Toledo, OH) Father Jon O’Brien, a 17-year veteran of the Catholic priesthood, truly relishes his role as spiritual leader at Rosary Cathedral on Collingwood, and steers his flock in these difficult times when many are left questioning the role faith plays in our progressively postmodern world.

Nevertheless, he is plagued by a secret private desire that has remained hidden for years, even from his closest friends and colleagues: more than anything, O’Brien wishes he could experience the beauty and wonder of the female menstruation cycle.

“It all started when I was 12 or 13, really,” O’Brien remarked in an exclusive interview with Toledo Tales. “All of my friends were girls, and suddenly they were in the miraculous throws of womanhood, what with the tampons and such. Words can’t express the trauma I underwent when I asked my father when I would start ovulating—let’s just say it involved a bottle of Jim Beam and an old belt.”

Despite his difficult childhood, O’Brien kept his treasured wish alive even during his years of rigorous study in college and the seminary.

“The Bible is full of strong, independent women, all of whom surely felt the joy of their monthly cycle,” O’Brien contemplated while folding some freshly-laundered altar cloths. “I’m sure with a few surgeries and estrogen therapy I could experience that same sensation, but it wouldn’t be the same. Besides, the church would probably notice the missing $50,000. It’s not like the occasional twenty-spot I swipe from the Sunday basket.”

A new perspective on the tradition of the "body and blood of Christ"

O’Brien appeared somberly devout when asked how this desire had affected his own spirituality and its inherent connection to the flesh, pausing to reflect on his life.

“Every night I pray the Lord bless me, so when I awake I discover the righteousness of oozing girly parts,” O’Brien quietly intoned. “Until that day, I’ll continue as I always have: guiding the lives of others while my own life is a cruel, bloodless lie.”

Labels: ,


# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 2:29 PM
Comments:
How can they even let this guy serve Communion??? Sick!
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 2:45 PM
 
Post a Comment



<< Home
Copyright 2007, Toledo Tales ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Toledo Tales ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Toledo Tales ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Toledo Tales ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?