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Local Priest Secretly Wishes He Could Menstruate

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

O’Brien: Big, bald, but not bloody

(Toledo, OH) Father Jon O’Brien, a 17-year veteran of the Catholic priesthood, truly relishes his role as spiritual leader at Rosary Cathedral on Collingwood, and steers his flock in these difficult times when many are left questioning the role faith plays in our progressively postmodern world.

Nevertheless, he is plagued by a secret private desire that has remained hidden for years, even from his closest friends and colleagues: more than anything, O’Brien wishes he could experience the beauty and wonder of the female menstruation cycle.

“It all started when I was 12 or 13, really,” O’Brien remarked in an exclusive interview with Toledo Tales. “All of my friends were girls, and suddenly they were in the miraculous throws of womanhood, what with the tampons and such. Words can’t express the trauma I underwent when I asked my father when I would start ovulating—let’s just say it involved a bottle of Jim Beam and an old belt.”

Despite his difficult childhood, O’Brien kept his treasured wish alive even during his years of rigorous study in college and the seminary.

“The Bible is full of strong, independent women, all of whom surely felt the joy of their monthly cycle,” O’Brien contemplated while folding some freshly-laundered altar cloths. “I’m sure with a few surgeries and estrogen therapy I could experience that same sensation, but it wouldn’t be the same. Besides, the church would probably notice the missing $50,000. It’s not like the occasional twenty-spot I swipe from the Sunday basket.”

A new perspective on the tradition of the "body and blood of Christ"

O’Brien appeared somberly devout when asked how this desire had affected his own spirituality and its inherent connection to the flesh, pausing to reflect on his life.

“Every night I pray the Lord bless me, so when I awake I discover the righteousness of oozing girly parts,” O’Brien quietly intoned. “Until that day, I’ll continue as I always have: guiding the lives of others while my own life is a cruel, bloodless lie.”

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How can they even let this guy serve Communion??? Sick!
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