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Opinion: “I’m Sick of These F-ing Euphemisms”

By Nate Van Born, Toledo Native and Corporate Shill

Ok girlfriend, I need to vent. I’ve been with this sheik advertising firm for two years now, and even though I’ve already received a huge promotion, drive a FA-BU-LOUS beamer, and have all sorts of fringe benefits (including free stress-release massages downtown at Frederico’s—rrrrrr),
I’m sick of all these F-ing euphemisms in the corporate world.

For example, all these gosh-darn executives never address our sales figures in a clear, exact way. These silly-goos just used the same trite clichés, like “our stock is holding its own,” or “we need to improve productivity and remember the bottom line.”

What these poopyheads don’t realize is that we’re all, like, adults. If they could just be blunt and precise, and occasionally drop a much needed four-letter stinger, everyone would feel motivated to make this doggone company a better place to work.

Totally nasty coffee Which brings me to another point. I don’t want to sound like a Whining Willy, but the quality of our coffee has like, totally gone down the tubes in the past few months. I don’t know if they’ve switched to some generic brand, but it tastes like doo-dung water. Can’t you tightwads at least spring for some Folgers? HEL-LO!

But the last thing I want you people to think is that I’m cynical. After all, I love this job, and wouldn’t trade it for all the spice in India. And speaking of spicy, have you seen that new piece of man-meat Nick in public relations? Tarnation, girlfriend! I’d let him spooge in my fudge-hole any day of the week!

So in closing, remember that euphemisms are, like, the worst way to prevent the clearness of talking and all that jazz. Just be honest and open, and we can make this place the best company under the sun. Jeebus, I’m late for a board meeting! Toodles!

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