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Friends Grieve over Man's Newfound Sobriety

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Lloyd: Sober, spiritual, and lame as shit

(Ottawa Hills, OH) Until recently, Brandon Lloyd, 27, was the most popular guy in Ottawa Hills, known for his outrageous antics and insatiable appetite for loose women and booze. Sadly, all of this changed in August when Lloyd rededicated his life to faith and sobriety, leaving his friends ravaged by the pain of his loss.

“Lloyd was a goddamn animal, straight up,” remarked a visibly-shaken George Howard, a close friend and former roommate. “He was the guy who made everyone take one last shot at 3:37 a.m., when the whole party was about to collectively puke its brains out. He was the guy who bagged a fatty just so he could joke about it the next day. He was my fucking hero, man. And now he’s gone.”

Vicky Goldman, a former love interest and confidant of Lloyd’s, echoed these sentiments.

“Brandon was about one thing: passion,” croaked a particularly mournful Goldman after a long nip from her pocket flask. “It didn’t even matter what it was, either. Friends. Family. Beer Pong. Hooking up with me in a ladies’ room stall at the Kroger on Monroe Street. That man was all heart, and now he’s broken mine.”

Left: The party continues on, but it has lost its spark

For his part, Lloyd fails to understand why his friends have taken his new direction in life as a fate worse than death.

“I tried calling those guys for weeks, man, but no one returned my messages,” explained an exasperated but nonetheless energetic Lloyd. “I told them for months I needed to get back to Christ and stop acting like a teenager, but now they’re acting like…like I died in a car crash or something. I heard they even held a wake for me over at George’s house. I pray they all grow up some day.”

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It's sooo sad when "we" lose another one like that.

Oh well, party on!
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