By Billy Pilgrim, Former Lapdance Connoisseur and Toledo Tales Rogue Editor
Left: Curtis and Liz during happier times
Curtis Townsend seriously considered ending his five-year relationship with fiancée Liz Dorsey earlier today as he rummaged through messy piles of underwear and bras at Victoria’s Secret, located at the Westfield Shopping Center in Toledo.
Though Townsend has felt open contempt for his future-wife during previous marathon shopping sprees, never has it struck so deeply at the core of his being.
“God, I fucking hate this,” Townsend vented as he sifted through a row of lacy thongs. “If I go conservative, she’ll think I shopped last minute, and if I go risqué, she’ll never wear it. Plus, Liz gained like, six or seven pounds this year. I should ask for the ring back tonight at dinner.”
According to Townsend’s close friends, his aversion to Ms. Dorsey has grown immensely in recent weeks, leaving many “dropped” cellular calls and canceled dates in its wake.
“Townie’s a dog, straight up,” revealed Tim Buck, a former roommate and college chum. “We went to Nick & Jimmy’s last Friday, and he faked static and broken reception just to get off the phone with her. If they make it past New Year’s, I’ll slam my balls in a desk drawer.”