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Local Man Continues to Be Tormented by "Ass Borer"

Left: Suspicious device found in the home of a Toledoan

(Toledo, OH) Mark Winthorp, the 34-year old Toledoan who is worried about the arrival of a recent invader, made a discovery last night that completely unnerved him.

"I had these contractors over to do some work on my house, when I discovered...THIS!" he sadi, pointing to a hand-held electric drill. "Is this some kind of sick joke? If so, it's not funny - there are plenty of people worried about the ass borer."

Winthorp, who heard about the ass borer while watching the news in a crowded local pub, said he hopes that the problem gets resolved soon.

"Hey man - this shit has been keeping me up at nights, looking out my window to see if a sociopathic homosexual whose reconstructed bionic penis can accommodate 3/8" drill bits is out there," he said, standing with his hands on his hips. "I can't imagine a more horrifying trauma than running into the ass borer."

Friends of Winthorp continue to keep their friend in the dark.

"The funniest thing is sneaking up behind the asshole and making a "z-z-z-z-z-z" sound like a drill," laughed Brett Durheim of Sylvania. "He squeals like a little girl every time we do that."

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