Toledo Tales

Left: Carrack and brother preparing defenses against neighbors

(Oregon, OH) Steve Carrack considers himself an "easygoing guy," but the relentless threat of airborne pyrotechnic devices from his neighbors has forced him to take preventive action.

In response to the perceived dangers from neighbors Kyle, Jared, and Will Dunbar, Carrack and his brother Larry are assembling a missile defense system akin to the MIM-104 Patriot design.

"We have a growing rocket threat from the Dunbar place across the field, and we need to be able to deal with that," Carrack told Toledo Tales reporters. "Everybody understands that with a growing bentonite missile threat from those drunken rednecks - which is quite pronounced - there need to be ways to deal with that problem. This missile system is for dealing with post-9/11 insanity, like when Kyle was shooting those fucking bottle rockets at us last summer using a 40-ounce Budweiser bottle as a launch pad."

Not all neighbors in the Oregon subdivision agree with Carrack's plan.

"The Carracks risk provoking a new arms race by developing these ballistic missile defenses," said Paul Oberlin, who lives perpndicular to the warring neighbors. "This plan undermines existing institutions, like the police, and the Carrcaks are overstepping their property boundaries in every way. Besides, this is all just payback for when Steve Carrack boffed the 16-year-old sister of the Dunbars back in high school after a football game."

Left: Linchpin of the Carrack missile defense system

Steve Carrack said that fears of an escalating missile race are overblown.

"Let's face facts here - we know the Dunbars have already acquired surface-to-air missiles, and we suspect that they are building 29mm G40-10 monsters that can travel halfway to Toledo," he said, packing black powder in an engine for a prototype rocket nicknamed 'Freedom Freddy'. "The question is: do we take preemptive action, bombing their hillbilly asses back to the Stone Age, or do we just sit back and watch them destroy us? As for me and my house, we will rain hellfire upon those who wish to harm us."

Labels: Missile shield, model rockets, rockets