.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

2/04/2007

Opinion: Only Idiots Actually Do Their Chores

Guest editorial by Nathan Higgins, 4th grade

Yeah, it's the Lenten season, and every kid wants to be extra good so the Easter Bunny brings him a Wii or PlayStation 3 or blah blah blah.

And you want to earn every penny of your allowance so you can buy your stupid sister a bunch of sparkle markers or a Barbie dress or whatever stupid present she wants that's under five dollars because that's the Grab Bag limit.

But only idiots actually do all of their chores for their allowance.

Here's a few lessons I have learned in my nine years on this God-given planet that I will pass along to you, the poor suckers who actually do their chores. They are arranged by chore, so you can skip any chores you don't have to do. See? I just saved you a couple of seconds, unless you stopped to read this last part.

Or this one. Or this one. Or this one.

On with the list!

Dishwasher: Why waste time finding out where all those stupid clean dishes go? Just stick the clean ones back in the sink, and leave a few on the counter, or in your sister's room, where she'll get blamed for sneaking food into her room. Ha ha!

Laundry: For those of you who have mean moms like mine who make you wash your own clothes, a few pointers. Skip the whole washing machine bit and just throw everything in the dryer with about nine of those scented dryer sheets. Clothes smell good, all the wrinkles are gone, the pork rinds in your pants pocket are fresh, and you just cut your time in half!

Sweep and mop: You can't get out of the sweeping part, at least not totally, but if you spray some of that orange or lemon cleaner after you sweep, it will smell like you mopped. Make sure you do this when your mom is on the phone, and can't stand over you going blah blah blah while you do this chore. She'll come back in, see that all the Cocoa Puffs are off the floor, smell the orange, and be really happy!

When all else fails on any chore, you can always start yelling "I DID that chore already! I swear to the Lord Jesus Christ Son of God Redeemer of the World I did that chore!" Your Mom will give you a bunch of blah blah blah about taking the Lord's name in vain, and will probably forget she told you to take out the trash or whatever it was.

For those of you kids who are Jewish or Muslim, the same rules apply, except that you probably won't be eating pork rinds, on account of the Lord God Almighty told you not to eat pork rinds and hot dogs or those Snausages treats for dogs.

I don't eat Snausages, either, but I used to give them to my sister and tell her they were "pigs in a blanket." What a stupid-head!

Labels: , ,


Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home
Copyright 2007, Toledo Tales ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Toledo Tales ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Toledo Tales ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Toledo Tales ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?