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Absolutely Nothing Happened in Toledo Today

A Toledo Tales Special Report

By Feckless Freddie

(Toledo, OH) Despite the presence of criminals, greedy CEOs, and sleazy politicians, absolutely nothing happened in Toledo today, and local residents expressed "surprise" that the city was so dull.

"I didn't even hear any sirens today," remarked Greg Ostermann, of Logan Street. "And my idiot drunken neighbor hasn't stirred, or even kicked his dog Bongo in the head. Something must be up."

Local dope dealers reported an unusually uneventful day.

"None of my regulars tried to stiff me, and none of them called back to say I shorted them a gram," said street level pharmaceuticals rep "Piper." "And none of my guys got hassled by the cops or other drug gangs. This ain't normal."

Nothing happening here

Not all Toledoans, however, were happy with the lack of anything happening in town.

"This sucks," said 17-year-old Raymond Tuttle, adding that nothing happened at Rogers High School today, either. "If something doesn't happen around here soon, me and Kyle and Booger are going to shoot some streetlights or roll a wino. It ain't right that nothing should happen in this goddamned city."

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