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Local Squirrel to Compete in Charity Fun-Run

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Evans endures the rigors of training

Chip “Nutcracker” Evans, a Toledo-area squirrel, recently became the first non-human in the city’s history to register for a marathon earlier this week.

“I didn’t register for the glory, I just wanted to bring attention to a good cause,” remarked a stern Evans while calmly stretching his hamstrings. “I thought the press would be a great boon—after all, Restless Leg Syndrome is a savage disorder, and most people don’t even know it exists. My sister Bertha has that shit, man. I want to see a cure in her lifetime.”

However, Evans decision has caused a massive stir among Toledo’s elite running community, and has raised some serious questions about exclusivist policies and discrimination, even though his sole intent was to help raise funds for medical research.

“It was clear from the very beginning they didn’t want me to involved,” Evans huffed. “They read the race waiver to me aloud twice, making sure I heard the injury clause, and then acted really pissed when I told them I wore a size XXXXXS t-shirt. How can you offer commemorative race shirts if you only have three sizes?”

Evans competing in the Bangalore International Marathon

Thankfully, Evans has mounted considerable support among younger runners, who are supporting his humble usurpation of the status quo.

“It’s just like that movie Rudy, where the underdog has to fight for acceptance and respect,” proposed John Stark, a University of Toledo junior and track star. “Except that guy was like, pudgy and Jewish, and it was about football n’ shit, and this is about a squirrel running a marathon. Otherwise, the similarities are shocking.”

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You know, I've been thinking, that Evans would be mighty tasty skinned, gutted, roasted and served on a bun, drizzled with squirrel gravy.

Yessiree, mighty tasty indeed. . . ;-)
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