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3/16/2007

Man Shocked to Learn Commemorative 9/11 Coin Not Legal Tender

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

The Twin Towers in all of their non-currency glory

Toledo native Derek Fishman, 34, was overwhelmed one evening last month when he saw a late-night television advertisement for a coin commemorating the horrific 9/11 attacks. Fishman was so moved, in fact, that he promptly ordered several of the coins, despite his mounting debt and current unemployment status.

So it was a tragic moment indeed when Fishman received his coins earlier today, only to discover that they were not legal tender, and were just another trinket capitalizing on the pathos of human tragedy.

“I can’t fucking believe these coins aren’t real money,” Fishman huffed as he lit his third consecutive Marlboro Light. “I mean, when I saw the bald eagle and flippy towers n’ shit, I was totally blown away they were only $29.95. I planned to buy a ton of ‘em for [my daughter] Grace’s college fund. Now all she has to look forward to are 12-hour days of drywall with her old man.”

In retrospect, though, Fishman recalls a few nuances in the commercial that seemed questionable.

“When they used that phrase ‘non-circulating’ for the third goddamn time, maybe it should’ve tipped me off,” he grunted. “But man, I’d had 7 or 8 cans of Bud, it was after a long week of shoveling snow for gas money, and I just thought it meant these coins were, you know, too good for vending machines n’ shit.”

Grace Fishman: The next Van Gogh?

Despite her father’s uninformed investment, Grace, age 9, is taking her swiftly-diminishing collegiate aspirations in stride.

“Daddy drinks a lot,” Grace noted while shading another disturbing portrait of her family. “Sometimes I cry ‘cause of the nightmares. Someday I’m going to sell all my drawings for a kagillion dollars and buy a pony and ride it to grandpa’s house.”

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