.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

4/15/2007

Toledo Man Finds "Reason to Get Out of Bed" Thanks to BBQ Sauce

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

DuFont on Saturday evening: another table for one

(Toledo, OH) Jeremy DuFont has by all accounts had a difficult year. His wife of four years, Pamela, left him for a co-worker, he was denied yet another promotion at the Jeep plant, and with Christmas only a few short weeks away, he barely has any savings left to buy gifts for his loved ones.

In these trying times, when lesser men would turn to the bottle, and others would attempt to rediscover their faith, Jeremy DuFont turns to the one thing that gives him solace and dignity: Stubb’s Barbeque Sauce.

“I know your readers will think I’m a freak or something, but this barbeque sauce has saved my life,” DuFont revealed in an exclusive interview with Toledo Tales. “Some mornings I just lie in bed after hitting the snooze button, too depressed to jerk off. And then I remember there are some leftover riblets, or a piece of baked chicken in the fridge, and it gives me hope—hope that Stubb’s can get me through another bullshit day.”

DuFont feels that it was nothing short of divine intervention that led him to Stubb’s “magical elixir” in the first place.

Stubbs Original BBQ Sauce“It was the day after Pam left me. I forced myself to go grocery shopping, though in retrospect, I had no desire for food—I just wanted to die,” DuFont revealed. “So I’m standing there in aisle 9, staring blankly at row after row of condiments, and I see it: the holy grail of sauces. On the label it read MY LIFE IS IN THESE BOTTLES. From that moment on I knew I’d be okay.”

So while the future remains uncertain, DuFont seems to have found the courage to continue his solemn trek through life.

“I’m a working man, so like all working men, the world is constantly thinking up new ways to fuck me,” DuFont huffed. “But I’m making a stand. Me and this sauce are gonna make it—sticky-fingered and bloated, maybe—but we’ll make it nonetheless.”

Labels: , ,


Comments:
DuFont can teach us all something important.

When the choices are:
1. Lying in bed
2. Jerking off
-or-
3. Having riblets and sauce for breakfast,

go for the riblets.

Another of life's mysteries solved. . .
 
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home
Copyright 2007, Toledo Tales ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Toledo Tales ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Toledo Tales ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Toledo Tales ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?