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Local Man is Area's First 'Quintissexual'

Left: Burnham outs his 5-preferenced self

(Toledo, OH) Local bartender Jeremi Burnham, long noted for his adventurous sexual life, called a press conference to announce that he is the area's first openly "quintisexual" person.

"I'm like the Martin Luther King Jr. of sex, because I am equal opportunity for anyone," he chuckled. "Male, female, transgendered, transsexual, or intersexual: if it's got a hole or a pole, I play the role."

Burnham said that he first learned of his quintisexuality at a "crazy-ass party" in college.

"Let's just say that there was a lot of alcohol and some seriously kinky partygoers," he said, smiling coyly. "While writhing around in that mass of flesh I knew that I was only complete when I had, like, a sexual buffet of partner options. And that would be an all-you-can-eat buffet. Yes - I went there."

Quintisexual Jeremi BurnhamLeft: Burnham dressed in a less-deterministic fashion

While the process of coming out has been "liberating" for Burnham, the decision has not been without its drawbacks.

"There's the obvious problem about restroom choices," he admitted. "And quintisexuality poses real problems in a long-term relationship, because I am just as likely to drool over the ass of my partner's brother as I am of his sister. But honestly - this is me, and I wouldn't have me any other way."

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