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Man Survives Sexless Week at In-Laws Due to ‘Survival Whacks’

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Eustice: Can’t Get No (Da-Na-Na, Da-Deener-Deener-Dit-Dit) Satisfaction

(Toledo, OH)—Toledo resident Van Eustice has never considered himself a particularly “randy guy,” yet there has always been something about visiting the Sylvania home his wife Cheryl grew up in that “revs his fuck wagon.”

Ironically, week-long visits—such as this one for Memorial Day—offer little time for erotic interaction with the missus, so Eustice is left to rely on lackluster adolescent-style masturbation to make his sexless tenure bearable.

“I know it sounds creepy, but seeing Cheryl’s old room, and family portraits, and old keepsakes makes me like, totally want to bone her on the living room couch,” Eustice candidly explained while eating orange slices. “She used to have the best tits in college. And if her parents ever left to play some fucking bingo, or visit the cemetery, I could screw her while looking at pictures of her twenty years ago.”

Unfortunately for Eustice’s elevated libido, such opportunities never arise, and he is left to take the proverbial matter into his own hands.

“It’s goddamn pathetic, is what it is, especially with Cheryl's hangup about screwing within earshot of her parents,” Eustice retorted. “Yesterday, I faked a headache so I could rub one out into a dirty sock in the guest bedroom. This afternoon, after lunch, I insinuated a bowel problem so I could jerk to the JC Penny catalog in the shitter. National holiday or not, I can’t wait for this palm party to end.”

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Eustice looks the type that should take matters into his own hand, if yoy know what I mean ;-)
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