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Son, I Drink Because Your Mom is a Bitch

Guest Editorial by Philipp Melanchthon

It's important for people to place the blame for problems where it really goes, son, and I would hate for you to blame yourself for the drunken, abusive slob I have become.

That's why I want you to know that the reason I drink so much is becuse your Mom is a bitch.

Now, this might come as a shock to you, because Mom buys you Pop-Tarts and Go-Gurt and all that crazy shit, but your Mom is really kind of like the Devil deep down inside. Except she's got boobs and stuff.

And when Devil-Mom shows up, the only way Daddy can deal with this evil is to drink himself into a total stupor, where he's lying on the floor and you're poking him with your Light Sabre and he doesn't say anything and there's pieces of half-eaten food coming out of his mouth.

And today was one of those Devil-days, and now Daddy must take his medicine. Now, be a good boy and get Daddy a couple of doses of Natural Light out of the fridge, OK, Champ?

And let's keep that Devil-stuff betwen you and me, OK? I wouldn't want Mom to start giving you hell, too.

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