.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

5/10/2007

Toilet "Roll Rage" Incident Leaves 4 Injured

Left: An empty toilet paper dispenser sparked the workplace violence

(Toledo, OH) Frustrated by what he called "years of inconsiderate twits" at his workplace, Toledo resident Kevin Herrington lashed out at coworkers on Saturday, injuring four of his coworkers.

Herrington said that "snapped" when he reached for the bathroom tissue and found that the last bathroom user failed to replace the empty roll at the restroom of the General Motors Hydromatic facility on Alexis Road. Police charged him with four counts of misdemeanor assault.

"I had a bad case of the runs, so I didn't stop to check if there was TP in the stall," the UAW member told Toledo Tales reporters after being released on $10,000 bond. "After blasting out a double dose of trouser chili, I noticed that there was no goddamned toilet paper."

Herrington must complete an anger management course in addition to any court-imposed fines

Making matters worse, said Herrington, none of the other nearby stalls had paper, either, forcing him to have to develop an alternate plan to handle the excessive brownie batter hanging from his posterior.

"So I'm dancing around, hot chocolate dripping from my ass, and nothing to wipe with," he recalled, lighting up a cigarette after his brief period of detention in the Lucas County Jail. "I had to pull some dirty hand towels out of the trash can to get cleaned up. Man, I was fucking fuming when I walked out of the can."

Left: Herrington's emergency ass stash

Coworkers who witnessed the half-naked Herrington in the men's room after his ill-fated bowl painting were the targets of his fury, he added.

"There's a whole group of them fuckers standing outside the bathroom, laughing when I walked out," he said of his victims. "So I grabbed a couple of fistfuls of 18-8 machine screws and started pegging those pricks. Yeah, I shouldn't have hit them with the screws, but did any one of them help me out when I was dying in the can? They're monsters, that's what they are."

Labels: , ,


Comments:
Trouser chili?

Ewwwwwwww!
 
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home
Copyright 2007, Toledo Tales ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Toledo Tales ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Toledo Tales ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Toledo Tales ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?