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Toilet "Roll Rage" Incident Leaves 4 Injured

Left: An empty toilet paper dispenser sparked the workplace violence

(Toledo, OH) Frustrated by what he called "years of inconsiderate twits" at his workplace, Toledo resident Kevin Herrington lashed out at coworkers on Saturday, injuring four of his coworkers.

Herrington said that "snapped" when he reached for the bathroom tissue and found that the last bathroom user failed to replace the empty roll at the restroom of the General Motors Hydromatic facility on Alexis Road. Police charged him with four counts of misdemeanor assault.

"I had a bad case of the runs, so I didn't stop to check if there was TP in the stall," the UAW member told Toledo Tales reporters after being released on $10,000 bond. "After blasting out a double dose of trouser chili, I noticed that there was no goddamned toilet paper."

Herrington must complete an anger management course in addition to any court-imposed fines

Making matters worse, said Herrington, none of the other nearby stalls had paper, either, forcing him to have to develop an alternate plan to handle the excessive brownie batter hanging from his posterior.

"So I'm dancing around, hot chocolate dripping from my ass, and nothing to wipe with," he recalled, lighting up a cigarette after his brief period of detention in the Lucas County Jail. "I had to pull some dirty hand towels out of the trash can to get cleaned up. Man, I was fucking fuming when I walked out of the can."

Left: Herrington's emergency ass stash

Coworkers who witnessed the half-naked Herrington in the men's room after his ill-fated bowl painting were the targets of his fury, he added.

"There's a whole group of them fuckers standing outside the bathroom, laughing when I walked out," he said of his victims. "So I grabbed a couple of fistfuls of 18-8 machine screws and started pegging those pricks. Yeah, I shouldn't have hit them with the screws, but did any one of them help me out when I was dying in the can? They're monsters, that's what they are."

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Trouser chili?

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