Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Irritated by what he describes as "amateur hour tactics," local child enthusiast Kevin Uphers decided to take matters into his own hands.

The result: a series of five instructional videos on professional pedophelia. Titled "Bag an Eight-Year-Old in Two Weeks," Upher's program promises to turn even the most luckless pervert into a "first-class kid magnet."

"In every business there are people who just seem to drip with success. They seem to know all the right people and make all the right decisions at exactly the right time," he said. "With my videos I will turn you into a successful pedophile with dozens of kiddies to diddle."

Uphers said that many novice pedophiles simply fail to learn from their mistakes, and fall into patterns of "predictably doomed" behavior.

"For each mistake I made, I learned ten lessons and got smarter every day," he noted. "I started to see patterns, discover hidden formulas and systems, and maintain a network of associates I could count on. Too many rookie pedos think they can go it alone, but nothing beats a network of like-minded child pokers."

Step one: recognize the differences between goldmines and landmines

Uphers said that many new pedophiles make "mind-bogglingly stupid" mistakes, like snatching an unattended child at the mall.

"Maybe there is a bit of luck and magic in success, but it's luck and magic that comes from working hard and being prepared," he said. "You grab a kid at the mall and you've just bought yourself a ten-year jail term, because every cop in the city will be after you. But groom your neighbor's kid, and you've got a steady piece of kid love for years."

Uphers, who said he has yet to spend a single day in a prison cell, downplayed the idea that some pedophiles are just "born lucky."

"Many people think a guy like me just has some sort of Midas Touch, but there is no such thing," he said, shaking his head. "There are just people who see opportunities and know how to make them real and profitable while minimizing risk. With my video series, you can be nailing prepubescent tail every day of the week and never get caught."

Labels: pedophiles, pedophilia, video training