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6/06/2007

Child's Drawing of Family "Looks Retarded," Reports Dad

(Sylvania, OH) The eager look on the face of four-year-old Jacob Neary as he presented his latest artistic creation to his father Mark was "kind of touching, in a feeble-mided kind of way," reported the elder Neary.

"Sure. It was a nice moment, kind of like when the dog licks your hand," muttered Neary. "But when the product of your loins hands you an imbecilic piece of scribble so bad it makes Ishtar look like Oscar material, it's kind of hard to dish out the praise."

For a moment, said Neary, he thought his son was playing a joke on him.

"Surely this is the best example of a painting so passe, so obviously stilted with its bad lighting and red stick-people motif, that it's intentionally hilarious," he recalled, fists clenching as he spoke. "I laughed so much during when he showed it to me I had to stop, because I almost had an asthma attack. Then I realized the little shit actually intended to make this abomination. Good fucking God!"

Neary added that he intends to seek professional help for his son.

"Pretty basically, we're going to head this retardation shit off before it infects the rest of him," he said. "Maybe he can wind up being a dog-walker or something. We just have to keep him away from the Crayons, and take this one day at a time. Oh, and beat the hell out of him if he pulls any crazy-ass stunts like this 'Stick Figure' nonsense."

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