Toledo Tales

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Kirkpatrick and son Tim after a march against trans fats

(Toledo, OH) Toledo native Betsy Kirkpatrick has always been a sincere humanitarian and arm-chair activist, but recently she has hit the proverbial ceiling of her bourgeois liberalism, and seems incapable of supporting even a single additional cause.

“From breast cancer to organic nuts to getting better sidewalks, I pretty much do it all,” remarked Kirkpatrick while drafting a petition for carrier pigeon equality. “But lately, I think I’ve just maxed out. I mean, when you go to seven rallies a week for vaginal discharge awareness, you get pretty run down.”

Other members of the Kirkpatrick clan echoed this weariness, and were glad their beloved wife and mother was finally taking time for herself.

“Mom is awesome — she’s like, my role model on how to be a good person,” beamed Tim, her eleven year-old son. “Especially after she takes her white medicine from that vial in her purse. Sometimes she gets sad after her and dad do that loud exercise thing they do in the bedroom, and she gets weepy, and starts fondling our steak knives all weird and stuff, but boy — those pills are something else. It’s a good thing she’s finally slowing down, though. I mean, there’s gotta be some evil in the world left for me to fight once I get old enough to take that white medicine, too.”

Labels: amphetamines, crystal meth, soccer mom