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8/02/2007

Bob Recomends "Freeze It," a Pain-Relieving Gel

Subcomandante Bob is a character who finds himself in more than his share of altercations. Last night he got into a protracted round of fisticuffs with another resident of Toledo's Cherry Street Mission, whose name is Ray-Ray, over the possession of a cot near the industrial-sized fan that cools the sleeping quarters of this fabled homeless shelter.

Oh, the humanity! Rare indeed is a battle so lacking in decency, so exempt from the normal rules of combat, so filled with depravity and eye-gouging as was the epic throwdown between Bob and his chemically-fueled shelter-mate.

Alas, though Bob persevered, keeping the cot and sending Ray-Ray headlong down a short flight of stairs, he woke up this morning with a pounding headache and some serious bodyaches.

The headache, of course, was due to Bob's complete lack of temperance, but the body aches were a difficult burden to bear. That is, until one of Bob's friends provided him with some samples of Freeze It, which is a new topical pain ointment that is greaseless and effective.

Within seconds Bob could feel the deep resonance of the menthol/camphor blend working into his tired muscles, chasing away the pains inflicted the night before by Ray-Ray. Bob felt young again, as though the world was his oyster, and that he could grab that slimy, disgusting mollusk and make a fine chowder.

Thus, it is with the highest of recommendations that Bob suggests you try the nearly-miraculous powers of Freeze It. You might not receive punches and kicks from an angry homeless man over a cot, but Bob would be willing to bet that your arthritis and muscle aches can be just as painful as one of Ray-Ray's haymakers.

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