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If I Hear That NEXTEL Chirp Again, I'm Tossing You Out of Mass

A Toledo Tales Guest Editorial
by Father Jon O’Brien

I had just started the Act of Penitence when I first heard your NEXTEL walkie-talkie chirp. Being the forgiving sort I am, I let it slide.

Then I started into the Gloria in Excelsis Deo when I heard your mobile communication device go off again. I looked up and saw you crouching low behind a pew, talking to God only knows who right in the middle of Mass.

As Jesus and the Holy Spirit are my Witnesses, if I hear that NEXTEL chirp again in church, I'm tossing you out of Mass on your gluteus maximus.

Did you ever read in the Gospels the part about turning off your cell phones and pagers before Mass starts? No, because the blasted things weren't invented then. But if they were, God would have written a special rule about them, and if He were here now, you can bet He would kick your ever-loving derriere right out of here.

And, just for grins, what could be so importnat that you have to interrupt Mass for an electronic conversation? At 10:00 AM, it's hardly an important sports event like the Super Bowl, and if it's work, I am sure it will still be there at 10:56 AM when I am saying the Benediction.

Have I ever carried Mass past 11:00? No sir.

Thus, it is with concern for both your physical and spiritual well being that I urge you to shut that device off, or else I'll send a bunch of hungover Knights of Columbus to give you a holy fists-and-boots beatdown in your driveway. Amen.

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