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Local Accountant “Totally Regrets Nailing” Pregnant Bartender

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

A Very Pregnant Winston, Rum and Coke in Hand

Otis Cavafy, an accountant in the greater Toledo area, recently expressed remorse over what he perceived to be one-time sexual encounter with pregnant waitress Maxine Winston last Friday evening.

And unfortunately for Cavafy, this “totally awesome life-long fantasy bang” has resulted in endless phone calls, emails, and other forms of unwanted and unwarranted correspondence.

“So I’m like, getting this righteous buzz last Friday night down at Nick & Jimmy’s with some buds from the office, dig, and somewhere around beer three I realize the bartender is smokin’ hot, about seven months pregnant, and coming onto me like a Catholic school girl at summer camp,” Cavafy remarked while closing some Excel spreadsheets on his sleek Apple laptop. “Next thing I know, we’re back at my place, both half-drunk, and I’m pounding her harder than a merchant marine on shore leave. It was awesome—no condom, that huge, sexy-ass belly and her swollen tits…and the best part was knowing there was zero chance she was gonna fart out my kid.”

Cavafy Plots Another Elaborate Excuse to Avoid Winston’s Psycho Pregnant Ass

Cavafy noted, however, that this carefree erotic experience was short-lived, as Winston became emotionally unstable in the following hours and days.

“The morning after, Maxine was a totally different person. First of all, she fucked up my scrambled eggs, and then she wanted to look at my family photo albums and didn’t leave until noon. Shit hit the fan Sunday night though, around text message 73 or 74—I’d lost count by that point—when she dropped the phrase ‘u my soulmate 4 RL.’ Brother, I knew then I was screwed.”

Only time will tell, it seems, if Cavafy can maneuver his way out of this delicate predicament.

“I guess I should have known only a crazy chick would be slurping rum and cokes and banging a guy she knew for a total of 38 minutes,” reflected Cavafy. “But we all make mistakes. Christ. Do you know she called my office today? I didn’t even give her that fucking number.”

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