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Local Dork Even Dorkier with Oakley Sunglasses

(Toledo, OH) Acquaintances of Toledo resident Marty Granhelm are adamant that the local man remains a "serial doofus" despite his recent purchase of a $200 pair of Oakley sunglasses.

"Face it - even with new specs and a Bluetooth, Marty's a complete, drooling feeb," muttered coworker Kevin Johanssen. "We Saran-wrapped the toliet seat on him, and he was all the way back to his cubicle before he figured out he had piss all over his khakis. Yessir - those Oakleys made a difference there!"

Ex-girlfriend Melissa Draheim, whose three-month romance with Granhelm ended in July, said that Marty believes the sunglasses "are like magic, or something."

"I'd be yelling at him to stop being such a fucking douchebag and demand a promotion, and on would go his Oakleys," she recalled, shaking her head. "He's such a pussy that he doesn't even warrant the honor of a bullet-delivered death. Oh, and in bed? Can't even get it up without the fucking sunglasses."

Neighbor Tanya Cappaletty said that Granhelm's new look is like "putting gas in a car you've already wrecked."

"Flat out - he looks like a jackass with those sunglasses," she said. "And, not like I'd ever sleep with the mong or anything, because there's a better chance of seeing Bin Laden and Bush having a latte than me boinking Marty, but the glasses got to go, dude."

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