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Local Record Store Owner Hates Your Taste in Music

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Murkowski: O How He Loves the Bands You’ve Never Heard Of

(Toledo, OH) Veteran record store owner Lars Murkowski has by all accounts an encyclopedic knowledge of music, ranging from turn-of-the-century ragtime to obscure European techno, and everything in between.

Unfortunately, Murkowski uses this incredibly vast musical intelligence to berate his customers on a daily basis, and mock what he views as “the most white-bread pedestrian taste in music I’ve ever seen in my goddamn life.”

“Last week I had some cute paralegal come in looking for a George Thorogood live album for her boyfriend—I believe it was released in ’99,” Murkowski remarked while re-alphabetizing the Dollar Bin near his store’s main entrance. “I told that bitch to hit Circuit City, buy the overpriced CD there, and then shove it up her boyfriend’s Corona-swilling ass. Can you believe that shit? George Thorogood. Jesus, if you wanna get drunk and listen to slide guitar, at least have the decency to buy a Little Feat record for fuck’s sake.”

Murkowski continued to outline how his usual patrons are intellectually incapable of making an informed purchase at his establishment.

“Occasionally I’ll get a college kid who’s looking for some Charlie Mingus, or Massive Attack, or on rare occasions some Uriah Heep, and in those cases I can just talk for hours,” Murkowski beamed. “But my average customer is dumber than a kindergarten dropout huffing paint thinner, and I tell them as such.”

When prompted on how his crass demeanor affected potential sales transactions, Murkowski revealed his innovative business plan.

“Yeah, I get that question a lot—how can I keep this place running if I tell everyone what a dumb bastard they are,” Murkowski chuckled. “It’s pretty simple: I turn into Johnny Kiss-Ass between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and normally pull in about fifty grand to float me through the upcoming year. Any other time, though, all bets are off. So are you faggots gonna buy something or what?”

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