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10/11/2007

This Softcore Is About as Real as the Tooth Fairy

A Toledo Tales Guest Editorial
By Mickey Peterson, Local Porn Connoisseur


Peterson: Passionate About His Porn

I’m gonna hit the ground running: I watch a lot of porn. And I mean A LOT. In fact, I have two flash drives in my pocket right now full of my favorite pics and videos in case my hard drive ever shits the bed.

But now that my wife Rachel has quit her job to be a stay-at-home mom, the only porn I’ve been able to watch is the late-night stuff on cable, and let me tell you—this softcore shit is about as real as the tooth fairy.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. You’d think a sex film would, oh I don’t know, SHOW SOME ACTUAL FUCKING, but most of these erotic scenes are full of lame, extended caresses that fade or jump-cut before you see any penetration, all while some Kenny G elevator music pulses throughout the scene. I could catch more bush on a middle school playground.

And the intercourse in these movies is just goddamn ridiculous. I’m no gynecologist, but there’s no way you can grind some chick’s box while sitting a solid foot above her waist. Im-fucking-possible. Besides, who moans like that? Honey, if some guy is moving back and forth two inches, and you’re wailing like Christ himself is frenching your clit, then you need to give ol’ Mick here a call. Honestly. If that’s your idea of performance, I’m the Second Coming, pun intended.

The bottom line is that I’ve got to get my rocks off to this softcore stuff now that Rachel has dibs on our home computer. So to all of you pansy producers at Cinemax, listen up: I want to see wang and cunt. I want ass to mouth. I want all manner of vag ooze and sperm glistening down some chick’s thighs, and I certainly want to see some hard fucking.

And yes, maybe my wife would bang me more if I paid more attention to our relationship, but damn it, a man’s got to have his priorities straight.

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