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11/01/2007

Extinction of All The World's Bees Would Be Cool By Me

Guest editorial by Bradley Reeger,
recent victim of bee swarming


I just read an article about Colony Collapse Disorder, the phenomenon in which worker bees from a beehive or bee colony abruptly disappear. Yes, bees are one of nature’s most important pollinators, and our food depends on them, and almost half the foods in the American diet are reliant upon bee pollination.

But as far as I am concerned, every fucking bee, hornet, and wasp can die.

Right now, please.

You see, I was just mowing my lawn when I ran over a hive in the ground. I had my iPod on, and didn't realize I agitated 20,000 maniacal flying bastard bugs. The next thing I know, I'm getting stung on every square inch of my body.

Ever been stung on your dick? Well, I have. SIXTEEN FUCKING TIMES. Penis bee stings burn worse than a Taliban rebel in an Army leafpile.

I have daydreams of renting a flamethrower and going on a bee-killing rampage, igniting up hive after evil hive. Or going out and buying myself one of those industrial sized magnifying glasses and using the sun to scorch a couple million of those soulless arthropods, enjoying every moment of every dead bee and imagining I hear a tiny little scream as the focused heat burns a hole right through their little thoraxes.

And Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, with your cute little "Bee Movie"? A great big "Fuck You," pal, for trying to make us forget that the toxic monsters are trying to kill us on a daily basis. When the revolution comes, you'll be lined up against a brick wall and face the firing squad with the rest of your bee buddies.

And I thought "Yadda, Yadda, Yadda" was a total piece of shit, too, and Lenny Bruce is gonna kick your ass in the afterlife.

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