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11/28/2007

Man's Credit So Good They Raised Upper End to 1200

(Toledo, OH) Local embellishment specialist Dwayne Baxter told Toledo Tales reporters that his "mondo-bitchin' credit" is so exemplary that lenders have raised the FICO scale just for him.

"Yeah, right now I'm at 1189, closing in on the record," he said, pointing to a spreadsheet he created on his PC. "My credit's so awesome, every card company in the country is sending me applications and the phone's ringing off the hook. Matter of fact, this hot telemarketing chick took one look at my FICO score - and my 14-inch schlong - and 20 minutes later we were rockin' the mattress. Turns out she lives across town, one of those bored-housewife, undersexed 26-38-26 types with a salesman husband who's always out of town. She used to be a supermodel, with Vogue or some shit, too, and she could suck the drunk off an Irishman - swear to God!"

Baxter said that credit-reporting agencies have been "falling all over themselves" in their efforts to recognize his stellar credit record.

"Matter of fact, Equifax is creating a 'Credit Score of the Year' award, and they nominated me as the very first recipient - with a $20,000 check for starters," he noted. "Plus they're throwing in a Jaguar and a West Palm Beach condo, too. Last time I was down in Florida I was banging this pair of 19-year-old lesbian punk rock twins, dude, and these bitches couldn't figure out if the whole dyke deal was worth it after I trained 'em with the Dwayne-meat. They were begging for it, dude, down on all fours and begging like malnourished seagulls for my dick. It got to the point where I had to take a goddamn crow bar to pry them off my Johnson, you know? If I didn't have those 50-yard-line seats for the Super Bowl with my buddy Bobby DeNiro, I might still be down there in a 24/7 sex fest and shit. In fact, DeNiro was telling me to forget the Super Bowl, and asked me to hook him up with the blonde lesbo twin, but she didn't like Taxi Driver, saying it creeped her out how he was almost like a pedo with that Jodie Foster, then he got pissed and I had to go up there to calm him down before he went and drove the Goodyear blimp into the stadium like he was talking. Got there just in time, too, 'cuz he had the throttle in his hand and a mean look in his eye, like when he played Noodles Aaronson in Once Upon a Time in America, you know? I mean CRAZY-crazy and shit."

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