Toledo Tales

Left: Buck is shelling out bucks

(Toledo, OH) Howard "Buck" Jackson saw news items this week on the economy, and saw fit to do his part to stimulate consumer spending.

"I saw this collection of them ceramic elves over at Odd Lots, and I bought the bunch for my wife," he said, setting down his ninth Bud Light. "She got a real kick out of them, although you wouldn't know it in the old marital department, if you know where I'm going."

Jackson also attempted to help out the automobile sector of the nation's economy.

"Pep Boys had a deal on chrome wheels - not those ugly-ass spinner kind like the dope dealers all have - so I got me a nice set for $800," he said, punctuating his reply with a loud belch. "Yessir - everyone has to pitch in to get America rolling again, and - despite my appearances - I'm going to do the patriotic thing and spend me some money."

His next economic contribution, said Jackson, will likely be in the area of home improvements.

"The missus has been after me about getting one of those rollup awnings for the double-wide," he said, pausing to scratch his package. "But I am kind of leaning toward an extra shed to the transmission I am rebuilding. It's taking up way too much space in the living room."

Jackson said that his ability to flood the local economy with disposable income is due in large part to a recent settlement.

"While getting my vasectomy a few years back, the surgeon sort of butchered my left nut," he said. "Don't get me wrong - everything works just fine - but any hopes I had of doing porno went goodbye, unless I was to do one of them 'freak of nature' films. Picture a golf ball next to a marble, and you'll get where I'm coming from."

Jackson thought for a moment and pondered: "Do you think $3,000 is enough for a beat-up testicle, or should I have held out for a little more?"