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2/29/2008

Finkbeiner Proposes "Incarceration District" for Moribund Downtown Toledo

Left: Artist's rendition of the proposed new "incarceration district" with One Government Center at far right

(Toledo, OH) Frustrated by efforts to attract commercial and retail entrepreneurs to Toledo's downtown business district - while simultaneously facing a $57 million drop in taxes with the likely defeat of the city's 3/4% temporary income tax - Toledo mayor Carty Finkbeiner announced today that the city will reposition itself as the "correctional center of America."

"Let's face it - the single industry that has shown consistent growth over the last twenty years is that of domestic prisons," he told reporters gathered at the press conference . "It is time that Toledo stands up and declares that we are primed for the business of housing the nation's burgeoning incarcerated population. Philadelphia's gangsters and Chicago's rapists will be a source of much-needed tax revenue and local jobs. That, plus the area hotels and motels will get a boost from the out-of-town visitors of inmates. Win-freaking-win, baby!"

Finkbeiner said that estimates from the city's economic development specialists project a $200-400 million growth in the local economy due to the opening of a cluster of minimum, medium, and maximum security prison facilities in what was once the central business district.

"While we might prefer the relocation of Fortune 500 companies here in downtown Toledo, we have to be realistic about our dwindling options," he said, pausing to slap an imaginary bug on his arm. "It was either prisons, or we go all-out into making Toledo the nation's crystal meth capital. I do kind of like the nickname 'Crystal Valley," though. It kind of meshes well with 'Glass City,' you know?"

Left: Finkbeiner hoping Toledo becomes jail-bait for international correctional firms

An added bonus to the incarceration district, added Finkbeiner, was the rise of "ancillary industries" in the region.

"Look - inmates need all kinds of shit while they are in the calaboose, from toiletries to shanks to sympathetic rape counselors," he noted. "We've got all that and more. Toledo's doors are open so that they can be slammed shut behind the poor, the minorities, and the convicted of this country. Give Toledo your prisoners, America!"

Finkbeiner added that the city was also exploring similar options with foreign governments.

"Hey: why should those lazy Cubans and Bulgarians get a monopoly on the extra-judicial torture gravy train?" he asked, looking over his shoulder at an unseen adversary. "We've got an international airport here, and there's a booming business in extraordinary rendition black ops sites. It's time that Toledo gets a piece of the international abuse industry, and I am the mayor to lead the way."

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Bob, you are bad. Very bad.
 
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