Toledo Tales

Guest Editorial by Connor Mason,
local bodybuilder

I can't believe all the dipwads who think they have turn on their gay-ass turn signals every time they change lanes or make a U-turn or whatever. What a total bunch of losers - you'd think that the BMV goes out of its way to issue licenses to whiny little bitches or something.

As far as the Connor-man is concerned, turn signals are for total pussies.

Turn signals are like hazard indicators: only to be used for emergencies, like when you have a cop on your tail and there's three open beers and a steroid syringe in the backseat. But I see idiots all the time using the damn things, and it's almost like they are saying I am stupid or something - if my front end is twelve inches from your bumper, chances are I am totally paying attention to the fact that you are turning, Homie.

You know what those turn signal queers are really saying, don't you? They are saying: "I am a rump-loving faggot, and I want some musclebound dude like Connor to shove his ten-inch ripped cock straight up my asshole!" That's what they are telling you when they go "dinky, dinky, dinky," and Connor ain't listening, y'all. The last place I'd be looking for rough roadside sex would be on the highway, what with all the hot action going on at the rest stops.

Hell, there's some totally hot chicks hanging out there, like this tall chick named Mel I hook up with sometimes at the I-75 rest area near Monroe, MI. She gives one hell of a blowjob, and the bitch has quite a set of biceps, which is really hot on a woman, let me tell you. And when I run my fingers through her bleach-blonde crewcut as she bobs on my knob behind the dumpster, I know what the word "nirvana" means, you know?

And you can bet Mel doesn't use her faggoty turn signals, although it's too bad about her terrible accident that keeps her from experiencing regular sex. Man, what I wouldn't give to run my hands on Mel's tight muscular thighs, but I respect her wanting privacy, what with the blow-torch that freaked-out psycho used on her when she was just a little kid, giving her all that grisly tissue in her woman-parts area. Almost makes her look like she's getting a woody, which would be totally gay.

So, don't use those turn signals, unless you are the kind of weirdo who likes getting butt-drilled by anonymous muscular men out in the woods. And if you're that kind of freak, better hope I doesn't find out, because I'd wrestle your fruity gay ass to the ground in a heartbeat, pal, and you'd get a hot earful from me about your degenerate ways.