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3/29/2008

Cock-in-Picnic-Table Guy Ready For New Challenges

(Bellevue, OH) Art Price, the man who was caught on tape having sex outdoors with a picnic table, told Toledo Tales reporters that he plans to "rise to the occasion" in light of his newly acquired notoriety.

"I'm thinking, maybe, a reality TV show where I stick my cock in a bunch of ridiculous places," he said, pausing to scratch his package. "I got a few plot ideas already, like where I bungee-jump off the Brooklyn Bridge and try to ram my pecker in a bucket of raw ground beef held by a couple of supermodels. Then there's the one where I hang from the roof of the car wash bay and slide my Johnson in the metal tube that holds the spray hose. I got a ton of these ideas."

Price added that he hopes to nail a few endorsement deals to further capitalize on his sudden fame.

"Jergens Lotion would be an obvious choice, given my reputation for poking my man-meat in places that produce genital chafing," he noted. "But the big money has to be with condoms. I'm thinking there could be a safe sex awareness campaign to promote condom use among table fuckers, kind of like this: 'The picnic table you are plowing has had sex with a dozen perverts,' or something like that. A guy's gotta be careful, you know?"

His recent arrest, added Price, has been "kind of liberating, in a way."

"My wife was getting kind of tired of having to strap on a bunch of two-by-fours every time we had sex," he noted, referencing his attempt to duplicate table-love in the bedroom. "And it's time to move on, you know? I've kind of neglected my other interests, like shoving hot dogs up my ass while I jerk off to the Power Rangers. You have to stop and smell the roses, right? Or at least grab a couple of rose branches and flog your bloody dick with them, I always say."

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