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3/26/2008

I'll Come Home When I Want to Fucking Come Home

Guest editorial by Hank Freeman, angry spouse

You got a lot of nerve calling me on my cell, babe, whining about how it's 3:00 am and the bars closed an hour ago and even Taco Bell is closed and where the hell am I? It's like I'm your goddamned kid or something, instead of the meal ticket who brings home what's left of his big-ass paycheck every week for you to waste at Kroger's for bread and KMart on kid clothes and Payless on another pair of stupid shoes and shit.

Let me tell you one thing: I'll come home when I want to fucking come home, that's when.

When we got married, was there a clause after "for better or worse" that said anything about curfews? I think not, and if there was, some lousy bastard typed it in after the fact. Probably that pussy-assed brother of yours. And - quite frankly, babe - what I do on my time is my own fucking business. Do I stick my nose in your book club or church choir shit? Hell no, so long as the food is on the table before you split, and there's plenty of cold beer in the fridge.

And one more thing - the next time you come crawling back from some battered women's shelter, there's one thing you need to do right away.

The dishes.

Ha! Get it? The fucking dishes! I totally kill me.

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