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3/16/2008

Local Man's "Perfectly Delicious" Fart Wasted During Trip Outside

Hauptmann: denied his moment of aromatic reverie

(Toledo, OH) An afternoon of "olfactory bliss" that resulted from the production of particularly noxious gastrointestinal effluvia came to a sudden end after Toledo resident Craig Hauptmann took out the trash.

"I knew as soon as I stood up that I was on the verge of emitting the granddaddy of all rectal honks," he said. "By the time I walked back to the trash cans, it was apparent that I would not make it back into the house to wallow in this epic wave of crop dustery."

Hauptmann said that the "titanic blast" brought him temporary relief, but he was disappointed that he was not able to enjoy its lingering odors.

"Unfortunately, I was only able to briefly savor its delicate aroma," he noted. "It had superbly strong bitter overtones with a complex palate, consisting of a delicate aroma of hops delightfully balanced by a prominent malty character, with hints of cruciferous vegetables, lentils, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups."

Hauptmann added that he holds his wife Linda responsible for the missed flatulent opportunity.

"Linda has been criminally and negligently obstructing and disregarding this important work for decades," he noted. "A person can learn a great deal about the state of his bowel health from the detailed study of his colonic calliopes. If I wind up with intestinal cancer, the blame is all Linda's."

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