.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

4/01/2008

Angry Burglar: White Van Mistaken for Pedophile Mobile

(Perrysburg, OH) Local merchandise acquisition specialist Craig Holland admits that he sometimes engages in extra-legal activity.

"Yeah, I spend quite a few hours cruising the wealthy neighborhoods looking for unattended houses that are ripe for the picking," he noted. "And it used to be that my van usually got mistaken for a plumber's vehicle."

Lately, though, Holland said that his white van is more likely to carry more sinister connotations.

"Now every soccer mom in the area is hyped up over pedophiles coming to snatch their little darlings," he mused. "So when I'm casing a neighborhood, you can bet that some uptight bitch is on the phone with 911, demanding the cops come check out a pervert. Listen: for the record, I like 30-year-old women with long legs, firm asses, and big hooters, OK? I'm pretty normal, if you ask me."

Holland also took to task local police, who he says are engaged in unfair stereotyping.

"You know, not every middle-aged dude in a white van wants to boff your kiddies," he said. "I resent getting pulled over because drooling idiots are watching too many Lifetime channel movies starring pedos in white vans."

Even worse, Holland pointed out, is the fact that he has faced problems in his own neighborhood.

"Listen: I don't eat where I shit, if you know what I mean," he said. "So when I'm pulling up to my own house and unloading a bunch of heisted goods, I don't need the extra attention, right? But I can't even drive this fucker to a Taco Bell drive-thru without getting tailed by a cop. I think it's time to start driving an ice-cream truck or some other shit."

Labels: , ,


# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 9:36 PM
Comments: Post a Comment



<< Home
Copyright 2007, Toledo Tales ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Toledo Tales ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Toledo Tales ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Toledo Tales ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?