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4/01/2008

Angry Burglar: White Van Mistaken for Pedophile Mobile

(Perrysburg, OH) Local merchandise acquisition specialist Craig Holland admits that he sometimes engages in extra-legal activity.

"Yeah, I spend quite a few hours cruising the wealthy neighborhoods looking for unattended houses that are ripe for the picking," he noted. "And it used to be that my van usually got mistaken for a plumber's vehicle."

Lately, though, Holland said that his white van is more likely to carry more sinister connotations.

"Now every soccer mom in the area is hyped up over pedophiles coming to snatch their little darlings," he mused. "So when I'm casing a neighborhood, you can bet that some uptight bitch is on the phone with 911, demanding the cops come check out a pervert. Listen: for the record, I like 30-year-old women with long legs, firm asses, and big hooters, OK? I'm pretty normal, if you ask me."

Holland also took to task local police, who he says are engaged in unfair stereotyping.

"You know, not every middle-aged dude in a white van wants to boff your kiddies," he said. "I resent getting pulled over because drooling idiots are watching too many Lifetime channel movies starring pedos in white vans."

Even worse, Holland pointed out, is the fact that he has faced problems in his own neighborhood.

"Listen: I don't eat where I shit, if you know what I mean," he said. "So when I'm pulling up to my own house and unloading a bunch of heisted goods, I don't need the extra attention, right? But I can't even drive this fucker to a Taco Bell drive-thru without getting tailed by a cop. I think it's time to start driving an ice-cream truck or some other shit."

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