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4/30/2008

Ma'am: You Need to Clean Out Your Stanky Ride

Guest editorial by Andy Tremain,
grocery bagger


Now I know you must be a busy person, ma'am, and I can see that your three kids make their share of messes. I also know you must be having a hard time as a single mom (I couldn't help but notice you aren't wearing a wedding ring).

But listen: if you and I are going to have a future together, you need to do something about that stanky minvan you are driving.

Listen - I understand cars can get a little cluttered, and Lord knows I've left my share of CDs and gym bags and whatnot laying around in my fine-ass 2003 Honda Civic Si. I do baby my four-wheeled slice of heaven, though, what with its 2.0-liter dual overhead cam motor with a factory rated 160 hp coupled with 132 lb-ft of torque, and a total displacement of 1998cc, its static compression ratio of 9.8:1, the finely-machined 16 valves, and those four imported pistons whose 86mm bore diameters travel in a "square motor" configuration of 86mm stroke.

But I digress.

The first time you opened the hatch, my nose was hit with a smell that was equal parts dead cat and moldy chicken nuggets, with a dash of dirty diaper for good measure. I about blew chunks right there in the parking lot, and if you weren't wearing that tank top, with your bouncing I'm-nursing-so-they're-really-huge tits a-swinging in the back set there, I would have turned my ass right around and made Ricardo, the retarded cart boy, help you with your groceries.

Look - we might have some kind of future, and I took the hint when you gave me that dollar for loading your groceries that you are all about jumping on the stallion for a wild ride. But if you can't get rid of that God-awful smell in your car, there ain't never gonna be a "you and me."

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