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4/14/2008

Witness: Car Crash "Must Have Had a Hundred Dead Bodies"

(Toledo, OH) Local embellishment specialist Dwayne Baxter told Toledo Tales reporters that a serious accident on I-75 near Detroit Avenue was "the worst fucking thing" he ever saw.

"Straight up: that was some awful, awful carnage," Baxter recalled. "I seen two dudes walking around with no arms, and blood spurting out their ripped shoulders like red water gushing from a garden hose, and there were three - THREE - fuckers completely decapitated, heads rolling around like lopsided bowling balls and shit. I swear to God, it was ten times worse than anything I seen over there in 'Nam, that's for damned sure."

Baxter said that emergency personnel were unprepared for the extent of the casualties.

"Listen - half-a-dozen of those EMS techs were puking by the side of the road, pouring out chunky blasts of vomit in unison, like they practiced the shit beforehand, barbershop-quartet style," he said. "And I never seen so many cops crying, collapsed on the freeway shoulder crying like a bunch of baby kittens dumped in a vat of bacon grease. Christ!"

The roadside tragedy was not without its positive aspects, Baxter was quick to point out.

"After they got the blood all mopped up, I noticed this blonde paramedic hottie looking at me while she packed up her paramedic shit," he recalled. "Next thing I know, me and her is going at it right there on highway, her ass getting all sticky with blood and gravel and pieces of burnt tires and shit. Then she tells me: 'Shoot your load on that dead guy's head.' Seemed kinda sacreligious to me, being Catholic and all, so I says 'no way, baby,' then she goes down on me, deep-throat-no-gag. After she sucked me off, she walks over to this sorry-looking chopped-off head and horks out my jizz, just a-loogeying it down in the fucker's empty eye socket. I swear to God - people are fucking strange, if you ask me."

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