Toledo Tales

Guest Editorial by Brian Kershaw,
Guy Who Is Most Definitely Not Gay

We've all been there, right? I mean, taking a leak at the urinal when some other dude walks in and sidles up at the next pisser, trying not to make eye contact lest the other dude turns out to be gayer than a locker room full of Clay Aiken fans.

So, with the idea of keeping the rump-rangers at bay, I've compiled a handy list of the Top Ten Ways to Keep the Dude at the Next Urinal from Thinking You're Gay. You'll thank me later, mister.

10. Mutter a cuss word like "fuck" under your breath. Nothing says "I'm hetero" like a grunted F-bomb.

9. Hork up a giant phlegm wad and spit it in the urinal. Not only is this manly as hell, but it will likely make that queer in the next stall puke from being grossed out.

8. Whistle AC/DC's "Highway to Hell." Ain't no band tougher than those Aussie bad-asses, and Twinkle-Toes will probably run from you, thinking about the time he got his faggoty booty kicked by some dude wearing an AC/DC T-shirt in 8th grade.

7. Say something like: "Did you see that bitch out front with the tight-ass shorts? God, DAMN!" Mr. Limp Wrist will either have to pretend he's hetero, or he'll have to deny he saw the bitch, which means he's definitely gay, since a straight man's ass-radar is running 24/7.

6. Pick your nose. Yeah, normally you take a look both ways on account of the fact that you don't want people to think you're gross, but one thing's for sure about the gays: they are a clean people, and as much as they might want to chomp on your corn cob, the fear of snot will keep 'em away, kind of like vampires and garlic.

5. Always, ALWAYS wear your John Deere hat. No homo in the world's gonna be confused about a John Deere hat, unless you're wearing your John Deere hat while some queer has your dick in his mouth, in which case you are a sorry, sorry excuse for a John Deere owner, mister.

4. Punch the wall. Them faggery-daggery-doo types will mostly steer clear of a fellow punching a wall, except for the types who actually LIKE getting their ass beat, in which case you might as well help a gay boy out.

3. Holler something like: "FUCK! It ain't supposed to burn when you piss, is it?" Again, there's nothing that Mr. Butt Pirate would like better than to feel your huge hetero cock up his poop chute, but most gayboy types really don't dig a case of the clap, unless they're drunk as hell, and you're so horny you'll take a blowjob from anything with a warm wet mouth, in which case? Get the fuck away from me!

2. Talk up The Dukes of Hazard. Especially Daisy Duke, since faggots hate her for being: a) a woman; and b) a sleazy dresser. Ain't never been a queer what's sat through a whole episode of The Dukes of Hazard, and you can take that shit to the bank, Pancho.

1. Yell this: "I DON'T WANT NO HOMOS COMING NEAR ME, Y'HERE?" This is the best way to go, since anyone who answers is probably a queer, and in need of a shit-kicking. Now, if one of them answers with your dick up his ass, you have a real problem, since you ain't got no business pile-driving an ass that ain't your girlfriend, best friend's sister, or that freaky pimple-faced chick at the bar who fucks anyone, anytime, anyhow. Wipe off that nasty, crusty dick and find yourself a woman, for Chrissakes! Do I have to teach you everything?

Labels: Dukes of Hazard, gays, urinals