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Kyle's Toys Can Still Have Deadly Poisons

A Guest Editorial by Nathan Higgins
4th Grader at St. Rose

Yeah, maybe Congress agreed to ban toxins found in children's products, but that doesn't mean that every kid has to have toxin-free toys. Like this dookie-head Kyle Henderson at my school, for one. You can leave every bit of the phthalates or nitroglycerin or botulism toxin in Kyle's toys, and no one would care.

Not only is Kyle a total pee-drinker, but even his parents can't stand him. They drop him off at St. Rose at 7:00 am for the Early Bird program, and he's like the last one to get picked up from the after-school program. Sometimes his parents even leave him there until Mrs. Kerstner gets mad and calls them to pick up Kyle in the middle of the night.

Sometimes I almost feel sorry for him, except he still watches Veggie Tales and baby stuff like that. I mean, what kind of LOSER still waves and sings with Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber any more? I stopped that like a million-zillion years ago, but Kyle still has a Junior Asparagus lunchbox.

D-W-E-E-B. That's how Kyle spells his middle name, and that's why it's OK to let him play with poisoned toys. Otherwise, he's going to go to junior high with that stupid lunchbox, and the big kids will just slaughter him, so this is like helping him out before his life goes completely nutso.


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