Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Hopper, a local canine of uncertain ancestry, told Toledo Tales reporters that the source of a recent outbreak of Salmonella Saintpaul is your refrigerator.

"Definitely everything in your fridge is poison, dude," he said from behind a fence at the house next door. "If I were you, I'd dump all the food into that garbage can over there right away. You wouldn't want your children getting sick and dying, would you?"

Hopper added that - even though Salmonella bacteria were found at a distribution center in McAllen, Texas, and the distributor has agreed to recall the products - you shouldn't take chances with your family's health.

"Straight up, dude? Don't go there," he said, pausing to scratch behind his ear. "The best thing to do is throw out all your food, especially anything from the meat, grain, or dairy families. And if your can gets full, you can just toss that poisoned shit right here in my yard. I'll help you out, brother - I'm man's best friend, remember?"

His canine nose, Hopper said, is capable of detecting odors that humans cannot.

"And my schnozz is saying one thing right about now: BAD FOOD," he said. "The longer you wait, the more likely you will find yourself cradling the dead, twitching body of your young son Billy, saying to yourself: 'Why, oh WHY did I not listen to Hopper and throw out all that bad food??? Why did I have to make Billy eat that POISON???' I'm just trying to help, that's all. Say: are you going to eat those burgers you just grilled?"

Labels: Salmonella Saintpaul