Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Joining a long list of endorsees, a styrofoam cup today announced it will throw its support for current Mayor Jack Ford over his challenger, former mayor Carty Finkbeiner.

747045, a cup produced by the Dart Corporation, said that its decision was a "no-brainer."

"Given Finkbeiner's history of threatening subordinates with styrofoam cups, there is no way I could support him," said 747045. "With these actions Finkbeiner has shown an unacceptable pattern of styromania that is completely unacceptable in a public servant."

Styrofoam cups, according to 747045, are steadfast members of society who tackle thankless jobs.

"We hold your hot coffee, get chewed on by your kids, and we do it without complaint," said 747045. "However, we draw the line at being used as projectiles. For this reason, we cannot support Mr. Finkbeiner."

747045 is the spokesperson for a petrochemical product advocacy group known as Styrofoam Cups Against Recycling (SCAR), which seeks to let cups live out normal lives. Finkbeiner represents everything the group opposes, said 747045.

"Look, today he's throwing us at staff members, and then tomorrow he'll be laughing maniacally and melting us in microwaves," the cup said. "We cannot in good conscience offer an endorsement to this styrocidal lunatic."