Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Acknowledging that its employees covered up reactor head corrosion at a nuclear power plant, FirstEnergy has agreed to pay $28 million in fines, restitution and community service projects, the US Justice Department announced Friday.

Chief operating officer Richard R. Grigg scoffed at the fine.

"Hey man - we have a market cap of almost 17 billion," he laughed. "This will be about a $.04 drop in ividends to shareholders, and less than 1% drop in 2006 profits. Whoop-tee-fucking-doo!"

Other FirstEnergy officers were equally candid.

"We have learned much from this experience," said Gary Leidich, president of the company's nuclear operations. "But what we mostly learned is that the Justice Department is a toothless tiger that can be bought off like a cheap whore."

Investors seemed equally nonplussed at the news, with FirstEnergy shares falling $.69, or 1.34%. William Franfort, and analyst with Lehman Brothers, said that the fine was "just a cost of doing business."

"Hell, WorldCom got spanked with $750 million by bthe SEC in 2003," he chuckled. "I'm surprised FirstEnergy's stock didn't rise, seeing as how they got off so lightly."

Grigg said that FirstEnergy has a lot of work ahead of it in 206.

"Most of the corporate officers are getting our suits tailored for bigger pockets," he said. "We are puling in so much goddamn cash that we are running out of places to put it all. Hey - can I borrow that briefcase, pal?"