Toledo Tales

(Detroit, MI) Ford Motor Company, the second-largest US automaker, today announced plans to eliminate jobs and close plants in North America as it tries to stem losses at its largest automotive unit.

"Taking the lead from DaimlerChrysler, we plan to outsource every possible chunk of our production," said Chief Executive Officer William Clay Ford Jr. "We think we can chop employment down to about 50 people."

Ford is counting on the job reductions, the most extensive since the first reorganization in 2002, to help reinvigorate the company's North American auto unit following losses in four out of the last five quarters.

"The bottom line is that Wall Street wants us lean, mean, and pension-free," Ford said. "Most of these fuckers just sit around the plant and waste time anyhow - maybe hitting the streets to look for a job might halp them lower their cholesterol."

Ford is calling its restructuring plan the "Way Forward."

"Look - the old way, which was hiring people and contributing to local tax bases and economies, just wasn't working out," he said. "It's time for Americans to realize that we just don't build things any more. That's for smelly third-world types."