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Heavens Open As Carty Finkbeiner Returns

(Toledo, OH) Rapturous music and heavenly host accompanied the second coming of Toledo mayor Carty Finkbeiner, who defeated incumbent Jack Ford in the November election.

Finkbeiner, resurrected from the political graveyard, was carried on a berm to One Government Center by cherubim and seraphim.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Carty art with me," said one adoring Toledo resident. "Surely goodness, mercy, and an industrial job shall follow me all the days of my life."

Finkbeiner carried the city with over 62% of the vote, and in the process produced another surprise.

"Carty has never pulled more than 51% of the vote in a mayoral election," said a local political pundit. "This is nothing short of miraculous."

On passing a paralyzed supporter, Finkbeiner touched the withered legs of the young man, who rose up out of his wheelchair.

"These...are the first steps I have taken in twenty years," said Todd Flemming of Toledo. "We are not worthy!"

Left: An unhappy Helga Smithers

On an inaugurasl trip through Woodlawn Cemetery, Finkbeiner raised a number of interred remains back to life. One recipient of Carty's raising of the dead, however, was less than enthusiastic.

"Look at me - just look at me; I look awful," said Helga Smithers, who died in 1991. "What good is it to come back if I look like a piece of beef jerky?"

Finbeiner walked to the edge of the Ottawa River and raised his hands. The waters of the Ottawa suddenly parted, exposing three old tires and a rusty stove. Finkbeiner paused from his miracle-working to address his detractors.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites!" he shouted. "You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are."

Subcomandante Bob - you are too much!!!!
All bow, here comes His Honor!
Kiss my holy ass
Hey - can somebody re-inter me?

Funny stuff, but too close to reality. Carty thinks he's God, and half the city worships him.
Wasn't this story run before?
Well, to be honest, Subcomandante Bob did tweak it a bit, but it existed in a similar form right after the November election.

So, it's about 10% new and 90% rerun.
NOW I can begin my master plan...


Guess who is next in line?

They still haven' figured it out ;-)

Let the games begin!
Hey, Rob:

You want I should take the C-man out back and whack him?
Amy, will have a black eye in 60 days are a broken nose
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Copyright 2007, Toledo Tales ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Toledo Tales ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Toledo Tales ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Toledo Tales ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

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