Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Rapturous music and heavenly host accompanied the second coming of Toledo mayor Carty Finkbeiner, who defeated incumbent Jack Ford in the November election.

Finkbeiner, resurrected from the political graveyard, was carried on a berm to One Government Center by cherubim and seraphim.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Carty art with me," said one adoring Toledo resident. "Surely goodness, mercy, and an industrial job shall follow me all the days of my life."

Finkbeiner carried the city with over 62% of the vote, and in the process produced another surprise.

"Carty has never pulled more than 51% of the vote in a mayoral election," said a local political pundit. "This is nothing short of miraculous."

On passing a paralyzed supporter, Finkbeiner touched the withered legs of the young man, who rose up out of his wheelchair.

"These...are the first steps I have taken in twenty years," said Todd Flemming of Toledo. "We are not worthy!"

Left: An unhappy Helga Smithers

On an inaugurasl trip through Woodlawn Cemetery, Finkbeiner raised a number of interred remains back to life. One recipient of Carty's raising of the dead, however, was less than enthusiastic.

"Look at me - just look at me; I look awful," said Helga Smithers, who died in 1991. "What good is it to come back if I look like a piece of beef jerky?"

Finbeiner walked to the edge of the Ottawa River and raised his hands. The waters of the Ottawa suddenly parted, exposing three old tires and a rusty stove. Finkbeiner paused from his miracle-working to address his detractors.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites!" he shouted. "You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are."